The Art of Getting Free – Overcoming Fear and Anger and Embracing Forgiveness

We’ve all been hurt. Many of us have been hurt in a way that left a permanent stain on our heart. We’ve felt the pain, disappointment, anger, and emptiness. If we let our minds wander back to that painful memory, we can still feel the cold numbness in our heart. There’s a part of us that knows, eventually, that it is therapeutic to find a way to forgive them, but the mere thought of forgiving them seems unimaginable. But change is an inevitable part of life. So, if forgiveness is therapeutic, and change is constant, then why do we get stuck in long-term patterns of pain, anger, and depression from our past?

Surprisingly, Fear is one of the things that keeps us from forgiving others.

Fear is toxic. It’s like a poison. It will immobilize you, freezing you right where you are, keeping you from moving forward in any healthy direction. So, why fear? Well, when we get hurt, we feel vulnerable. We feel attacked, and therefore feel fragile, weak, and even insecure. It’s a sense of having a lack of control. And we’re right to feel that way. For that brief, or sometimes not-so-brief moment, the other person had the control. They did something that affected us, and they were able to force us into feeling a different and non-pleasant way. When we get hurt, one common way that we’re able to regain some of our control back is to get angry, and lash out. By choosing to get angry, we’re now in control of what emotions we feel. We can feel powerful again. Anger allows us to be on the offensive, as opposed to being hurt by someone else, where we’re on the defensive. Other unhealthy ways we regain control include depression, self-pity, distraction, redirection, suppression, and avoidance. But these options are not healthy, and over the long-term they usually cause much more hurt and pain and long-lasting consequences in a person’s life than the original offense would have.

So how is Fear at the root of all of this?

It’s fear that subconsciously makes us feel that forgiveness is not a viable option that we can use to regain our control. It’s fear that leads us to believe that if we forgive then that would make us inferior or weak. It’s fear that causes us to believe that if we forgive, as opposed to getting angry, that we will invite future attacks. It’s fear that says if I don’t get mad and fight back, they will get away with this behavior, and probably continue to do it. At the root, fear causes us to find a solution in responding to the offense in a way that makes us feel like we’ve taken a stand against it. But have we? There is some truth to this—but it’s not the whole truth. We should take a stand against injustice. But are we incapable, of both taking a stand and forgiving them? I assert that we are not. We can, and should, both stand and forgive.

Disposing the Lies about Forgiveness.

Let’s address each of the common pre-conceived notions I listed about forgiveness and dispose the lies. Forgiving our offender makes us feel inferior or weak? Quite the contrary, forgiving someone who has hurt you is a great sign of strength. It’s not easy, nor is it effortless to forgive. It’s usually tough. It requires emotional maturity, calmness, steadfastness, humility, courage, and a sense of intrinsic self-worth. Will forgiveness, as opposed to anger or vengeance, invite future attacks? Well honestly, maybe. Abusers do often go after weak prey that won’t fight back. However, getting consumed by anger and vengeance is like drinking poison yourself and hoping it will kill the other guy. You can forgive them, personally, and still seek justice on your behalf or on the behalf of others. In Christian circles, we use the saying – “Hate the sin, not the sinner.” There is a difference between seeking justice and seeking retribution. Forgive for you—to dissolve the hatred and pain in your own soul.

Forgiveness Can Set You Free!

“We can’t control what others do that hurt us—We can only control what we do in response to that hurt.” This is the empowering truth. It’s our opinion that making a conscious decision to forgive someone who has hurt you is one of the healthiest, and most empowering, things you can do in response to that hurt. Hanging on to grudges, bitterness, or resentment will foster an environment of stress, not only in your mind, but also in your body. Are you stressed? Are you depressed? Are your emotions on-edge throughout the day? Do you feel aches and pains in your body? Do you have recurring nightmares or difficulty sleeping? Do you need medication to suppress these things, just to get balance, or just to get through the day—be it the form of pharmaceutical drugs or alcohol or illicit drugs? This dependency could all be related to emotional and mental stress stemming from past hurt. Forgiveness can set you free! Over time, a lifestyle of forgiveness will begin to produce a happier and healthier you—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Ask anyone who has truly forgiven someone for doing something extremely heinous to them.

Take It One Step At A Time.

This isn’t always a quick or easy process. If the person who hurt you is in your past then you may need to dig up old painful memories, and work through them, and find a way to forgive them. You may need to apologize to others that you have offended—whether knowingly or unknowingly. The key is remembering this truth: Forgiveness is a decision—not an emotion. You don’t have to be “over” the pain and hurt in order to decide to forgive someone. You only need to make the willful decision that you will no longer seek any kind of retribution or vengeance, or even to harbor any negative feelings or ill-will towards them. You might still feel this way at first, but you’re choosing to honor your decision rather than your feelings. You also must make the decision that you will no longer “remain” in a state of unforgiveness. You must begin to see now, and continue to reinforce this belief that, holding on to your hurt or pain or anger—as a way of coping or dealing with it—will never, ever, ever work. It would only get worse. So, however long it takes, be it a week or a month or 6 months, your goal should be to let it all go eventually. Just as your body sheds its old and damaged skin and hair, and replaces it with new, healthy, skin and hair, so shall you replace the old parts of yourself that hung on to that anger, pain, or bitterness.

It’s An Ongoing Process.

Often, those who hurt you are still in your life. Or perhaps, you believe this person could make you happy, and you would love to figure out a way to just get over the past. It’s part of our human nature’s self-preservation that we do certain things to protect ourselves. This is especially true for those who have been hurt deeply or even perpetually. Remember though, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting what someone has done, it’s about moving beyond it to a new sphere of thinking. You don’t forget what they did, you just stop holding it against them, you stop thinking about the offense with regularity, and stop allowing negative emotions to come to the surface in regards to it. Choosing to forgive someone doesn’t mean that you need to immediately trust them either. Trust takes time to build and nurture, especially in the areas of a previous offense where that person lost your trust. But by choosing to forgive first you can set the stage for trust to be built upon. You cannot build trust on top of unforgiveness. Another thing to keep in mind, is that if being around certain people places you or your loved ones in danger then you should leave immediately and go somewhere you are safe. Even if you decide that you need to move on to greener pastures, you can still be amicable with that person in the process, and even forgive them. Regardless of your decision of who to surround yourself with, if you decided to leave that old baggage behind, then leave all of the baggage behind! Don’t take it with you—in your mind!

Forgiveness… It’s a tough topic to understand and many times can be arduous to make it a way of everyday life. Do you need help identifying unforgiveness, fear, or anger as things causing your life and your health to suffer? Would you like to learn new ways you can learn to forgive others more freely? Do you need help getting set free of the bondage holding you back from the joy, good health, and peace your life can and should have? We can help expedite the process. We can help you shed that old skin. What are you waiting for? Life is short.